choose what happened
got slapped with a wet salmon - really -
got a bajillion whiny emails saying
opened mine eyes, and lo!
had a terrible scare when I thought
had a cup of tea and realised
woke up to the fact
terrible dreadful fear
scared panicked dread
climbed out from under my rock and realised
returned from my daily swim on the beautiful Fijian beach and realised
received your letters from the postman and realised that
got hit on the head and recalled that
I have not written since
Choose how long it has been.
Paris Hilton was in jail
they let me out!
long before Shakespeare wast a boy
people stopped clapping and Tinkerbell died
you last visited
I fell in love
the long board was invented
Hammertime was in the charts
petrol was cheaper than a bottle of Grange!
they invented sliced bread
the sun was actually shining in Melbourne
I had to start working to pay the ridiculous food and petrol prices to feed my kids
dearest Mummy was still alive
Hawke was Prime Minister
Howard was Prime Minister
the Clintons were in the Whitehouse
you would not believe
Choose what they would not believe.
I spend all my time in front of a computer
how insane my life has become
how tidy my house now is
I'm normally a control freak
it only hurts when I laugh
the amount of people that are totally stalking me
my anguish at my misdoings
that my hands were chopped off and I was waiting for bionic ones
the fairy dust I have to clean up
that I actually have a life
how much more of a drama I could make that
the phat set coming through right now
that I'd been abducted by aliens
how much it's costing me
how heavy that rock really is
how hard it is being waited on hand and foot and generally lounging around
the amount they eat
how terribly tardy the Victorian internet can be
Choose from this assortment of goodies.
I'm so sorry!
Please don't abandon me!
I hope you still love me!
Apologies to my regular readers! Even the little blue ones!
I hope they bring chocolate!
I prostrate myself in sorrow and beg thy forgiveness.
Not just a second one.
I'm a blogger so I will though!
But I'm sorry you'll just have to take my word for it.
Stupid Global Warming!
Whenever will they invent electricity!
Choose what you've been.
lost in a sea of pseudo-olde-english
not going to post now
totally and utterly flat out
flat out like a lizard drinking
out of it
hopped up on caffeine
Choose what you've been busy doing.
sleeping my way to the top
keeping up with my favourite daytime soaps
setting fire to people wearing Crocs
only your readership as life preserver
an awfully big adventure
discovering time doesn't stand still
responding to fanmail
my obsession of saving money
a weight-lifting regime
feeding the little people
waiting for a fine young gentleman to propose
curling my hair
learning to play lawn bowls
cutting my toe nails
finding Jesus (after someone told me he was lost)
, just generally being
Choose what you are being.
the life of the party
asleep, dreaming and chancing
not online in order
a delightful mistress
a terrible burden
of great concern
Choose who you are being this to.
my my wife's lover
anyone unfortunate to cross my path
various lawyers I met recently
every Lost Boy that crosses my path
recognise my children again
my local police
society in general
the secret service
the bodyguards of the blogger I am stalking
every man and his dog
, my day
Choose what your day is or does.
seems to be packed
is full to overflowing
seems to be a litany of stuff and giggles
pisses me off
is a magical flight
is full to bursting
is passing in a blur
starts with the dawn patrol
often feels wasted
is filled with fluorescent light
is dreadfully busy
is long and tiring
is fun and exciting
seems to involve the authorities
is a nightmare I would like to wake up
Choose when your day starts.
the second I am woken by murderous Teletubbies
the second star on the right, straight on
crawling out of bed at 6.30
when the nightclubs close
the first cockadoodledoo from the rooster
the moment my children manage to unlock my bedroom door and use me as a jumping castle
my partner kicking me out of bed
the light through yonder window breaks
Choose when your day ends.
11pm at which point I fall asleep on the couch
I feel like going to bed
way past dusk
I am begging my kid to go to sleep or so help me God that kid will be decorating my wall, 'Duct tape still life'
I see my darling's 10000 text messages
well after sun-down
sun down and beyond
I run out of alcohol
Choose what you are.
not complaining though
happy with that
so tired of my kids wanting me to give them attention and stuff
wondering if I paid mine electricity bill
not growing up
hoping one day they will call me 'mummy' again
totally loving it, dudes
looking at rectifying this
not being a whinging Pom or anything
convinced that I absolutely deserve this after all my hard work
beyond drunk most of the time
quite the socialite
putting money aside so I can run away
plotting and planning
wearing my budgie smugglers
Choose what else you've been busy doing.
learning to speak Japanese
soaking in the tub
homeschooling five children
being distracted by the shiny
a ticking crocodile
hoping you haven't found other blogs
waiting for the onshore winds
learning to fart the theme to neighbours
driving from one end of the city to the other
the waiting staff
spending my husband's money
planning my wedding
choosing my retirement village
selling my soul to Google
watching the grass grow
Choose possibly cliched saying.
I need a nap
life is good
but who cares
it will be fun fun fun till they take my TBird away
can't they see I am blogging
but never say never
and that I can take that big badge off my head that says bad mother
I need some perspective
my kids think I don't make sense any more
but this damned rock is heavy
I wish you could be here to share it
deal with it
as well you should know
life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get
Choose one of these.
make a solemn vow
swear on the bones of my ancestors
go, my lords and ladies; just
hope you are having a good life
send you kisses
swear on my mother's grave
won't promise anything to you but
absolutely, positively promise
hope that one day
will try to remember I promised you
Choose what you will do.
I will make more of an effort to blog more often
I will blog more regularly
to post at least once a month
to update at least once a week
I will make more of an effort to blog more often until the nice men in the white coats come back
if one more person emails me to ask why I haven't posted today I will start posting pictures of toe fungus, or fecal murals
think of me as I battle mine enemies
I will blog about it when I find my way home
and that your kids recognise you
although very chaste ones
I will get online again after this next set
I will update you with my nefarious activities as soon as I get a chance
I will write something that makes sense soon
you will see me writing more to you in the future
that when the weather turns bad, I will blog more often
won't blog until the next time booze prices go up and I have to get sober for a while
to send a missive out on the wire, post-haste
I will try to remember my blog password more often in future
Choose something that might make your readers think you mean it!
You wanna test me?
Go with God, good friends.
If you have kids.
Until I need your shoulder to cry on.
Well, I'll try.
You have my word!